As the video starts to play we see the inside of the bedroom of a small apartment in New York City. It’s far from the luxurious homes that we normally see in such videos, the walls are an odd off-white colour where they haven’t been painted in a long time and there doesn’t seem to be much in the room besides the closet that the camera is pointed out now and the bed that we can see the reflection of in the mirror on the closet door. The camera spins around and we see Zoe Sperling, without makeup and with her hair tied back in a ponytail, looking at the camera for a moment. She cocks her head to the side curiously before moving her finger toward the camera and immediately the view changes to the opposite side and we see the edge of the bed and the floor of the apartment.

“Shit,” she mutters before the view switches back again and we once again see Zoe looking at the camera. “Ok, that worked. I don’t really know how this works. Whatever, that’s not even the point. I don’t really know how to start this either, so I guess I just start talking? Mandy made it seem so easy when she talked about it. She’s all like ‘you should try it; it makes you feel so much better to talk about it’. The problem is you can’t talk about this stuff with real people. You talk about it with real people and they don’t just listen, they try and give you advice and stuff, but like their advice isn’t what you need to hear. I remember so many times when I tried to talk to Ravyn or Alex about stuff and they ALWAYS try and give me advice, and they don’t get that sometimes I don’t want to hear that stuff, sometimes I’m just angry and hurt and I want to shout and scream and kick my heels and stamp my feet until I feel better, but that’s not the way that they work. They think you can fix everything, and they always try and find all these reassuring things to say like ‘you can win it next time’ and ‘you still have the trios contract’ and all this bullshit and they just don’t get that I know that, it’s like they think I’m a fucking idiot and I don’t know that I have this piece of paper that means I can have any match I want any time I want. What, like I’m going to forget about that? I’m going to forget the three fucking matches I had to win to earn that? Of course I’m not going to forget it, but I don’t need to hear that twenty seconds after I’ve just lost the biggest match of my life!”

She pauses for a moment and puts the camera down on the bed. It’s only half pointed at her now, and we can see as much of the wall behind her as we can of her. She doesn’t seem to care though, as evidently she’s not doing this to stay in focus the entire time. We see her put up both hands and put her head in to them and slowly run her hands down her face until her fingers are over her eyes, when she lets out a little annoyed grunt.

“I just need to talk,” she mutters again before sighing. “Maybe Mandy’s right. Maybe this is exactly what I need. The problem is that I know I want to talk, but I don’t think I’m smart enough to know the words to say. How do you express how you feel without just screaming or crying? That’s the only two things I want to do when I think about all of this. I remember that it used to be so easy. I mean in 2009 when I first signed that contract it was the happiest moment of my entire life. I went there and Ivy was talking about how it was just talk and that they’d made no promises and that I shouldn’t get my hopes up, and I was nodding and agreeing and saying that I wasn’t expecting anything while inside I was praying that they’d make me some kind of deal. And I remember when I first met Sasha and she was all professional and shook my hand, and I remember thinking that all she had to do was offer me fifty dollars and I would have signed. I wanted it so badly. Ivy was so professional, and she wanted to talk terms and negotiate contract increases and all this stuff I don’t even know about, all this contract crap that I didn’t even care about. All I wanted for Sasha to say was that she was going to give me a chance. That’s all I wanted. I wanted one chance. One chance to show everybody how good I could be! And I knew then how hard it would be. I mean I watched those girls on television every single week. I loved watching Taylor Summers and I idolised Lenne Perez and Katie... oh god I wanted to be Katie so bad. All I wanted was one chance and when she gave me that I was... it was the best moment of my life. It really was the best moment of my life. Signing for Supreme Championship Wrestling was the best thing I’d ever done and I remember that, and I remember how happy I was... but that seems like SO long ago!”

She just laughs for a second or two before stopping. “Three and a half years,” she says quietly. “It was only three and a half years ago. That doesn’t seem right. It doesn’t seem like it’s only been that long. It feels like it should be way longer. I feel like I’ve aged fifteen years in the last three. I feel like I haven’t slept properly in two and a half years. That’s probably because I HAVEN’T slept properly in two and a half years. I wish I knew how they did it, you know? I wish I knew what their secret was. I wish I knew how they walk around every single day acting like none of it bothers them. Maybe they know something I don’t. Maybe they have like super strong meds or something. I don’t know how they deal with the pain. I don’t know how they deal with the pressure. Do they even feel the pressure? Do I just take it all way too seriously? This is why I’m so glad Alex isn’t here right now, because he’d seriously be answering those questions. I can hear his stupid Canadian voice in my head answering me even now, or like telling me that I need to ‘approach it from a different direction’ or whatever he’d tell me to do. I don’t even get why I listen to him as much as I do. He gives me all this deep advice and then he doesn’t tell me HOW to do it. Like him telling me to move on. It’s like he doesn’t even know me or something! Then again I’m not sure any of them really know me. I don’t think any of them get me. David doesn’t. If David really got me then there are so many things he wouldn’t do. He wouldn’t do that thing where he acts like he’s this wise old veteran and I’m just this stupid kid. Maybe I am. Maybe that’s the problem. Or maybe the problem is I’m not the people that I want to be. Maybe the people I want to be aren’t even really the people I want to be. I just remember it seemed so much easier back then. I really miss that.”

She takes a deep breath and lets it out as a long sigh. “What if they’re really not the people that I want to be? What if they’re just as fake as everything else? In wrestling you can’t be real. In wrestling you can’t just talk and be you, people don’t want real. They don’t want to know that you’re struggling. They don’t want to know that you’re hurting. They don’t want to know how beat up you are and how much it hurts every time you do anything. You can’t just be real in wrestling because people don’t want real, they want the show. They come for the show. So you’ve got to be this other person. You’ve got to transform yourself in to this other person. Whenever I go out there, whenever I talk, whenever I write in my blog it’s not Zoe doing that, it’s not Zoe who’s hurting and who feels like her whole life is falling down around her. They don’t want Zoe, they want Syren. They want skimpy outfits and they want ass shaking and they want naked pictures that they’re NEVER GOING TO GET EVER IN A MILLION YEARS but they want them anyway. That’s what they want. But right now I don’t want to be her. I don’t want to be Syren because Syren sucks. Syren is ruining my whole life! It’s just too hard to be her all the time. It’s just too hard to get my ass kicked by a guy twice my size who acts like I should just let him punch me in the face because he’s bigger than me. Why do they all just think that that’s what I should do? Why does EVERYONE think that? Do they know what it’s like? No, they don’t know. They don’t know what it’s like being a girl who has to take on these giant, pumped up muscle-headed fucking idiots. They don’t know because they’re the fucking idiots. They don’t know because they only see it from their side. But if they could be me for thirty seconds in a match, if they could feel what it’s like to have a two hundred pound guy land on you and have to somehow find a way to get your shoulder off the mat then they’d understand.”

“Maybe that’s why they’ve all gone. Maybe that’s why Lenne disappeared, and Taylor retired, and... maybe they just all realised it wasn’t worth it. Sometimes it’s not. It’s not worth their judgement. It’s not worth the way they talk about me. It’s not worth the things they say about me. Guys are different, you know? They’re just different. They’re stronger, and bigger, and they hit SO much harder. Oh my god they hit so fucking hard. And then I hit them and it’s like they barely even feel it. But I do one thing, Ravyn helps me for like one second so I can catch my breath just for a second and they all hate me and accuse me of ‘cheating’ but it’s not cheating. It’s not fucking cheating. They don’t know how hard it is. With girl’s it’s different. With girls it was SO way different. But with guys it’s hard. But I fight. And I fight. And I find a way to beat them. I never give up, I never give in, I fight harder than anyone else and I find a way to win, ANY way to win, and then all I hear is that it wasn’t good enough. It’s never ‘good job Zoe’ or ‘well done Zoe’. No, it’s always that it wasn’t good enough. It doesn’t matter that I’m a hundred and twenty eight pounds. It doesn’t matter that I’m five foot four inches tall. That doesn’t matter, nuh-uh, because it wasn’t good enough.  I’m never better than them. Well they’re wrong. They’re just wrong. Because I am better than them. I know I’m better than them. And no matter what they say I know that. But knowing that and proving that are two way different things. And how do you prove that? You win that title. That’s the only way you prove it, because unless you’ve got that belt then there’s always somebody somewhere who says they’re better. That’s the only thing they understand. But there are like forty guys and girls trying to get it. There are SO MANY people trying to get it. And it’s never easy, you know? It’s never easy, not for me. It’s easy for all of them, but not for me.”

She lets out a long sigh again. “All I wanted was one chance,” she mutters again in the same reflective tone she had a few minutes ago. “I guess I got that. Like, literally, I got ONE chance. And if I blow it, then that’s it. I see the next Breakdown line up. Christian Savior gets a rematch? Ravyn must be going mental about that. She must just be so... I know I am. Why does he get a rematch? What makes him so special? Why does he deserve a second chance? Why does he deserve a second chance and I don’t? Why do people like him always get second chances? Why? What makes them better than people like me? Am I not good enough? Is that what they’re trying to tell me? ‘No Zoe, you’re not good enough. Fuck you Zoe, we’re going to give other people chances who aren’t you’. Why? I’m not even going to... I was going to talk about Retribution but I don’t think I can do that without crying again, and I don’t think I have enough energy to cry again. He doesn’t know what he took from me. He doesn’t know what it means to me. What is it to him? What even is it to him? It’s a fucking belt to him. It’s just there to boost his ego even more, so he can say that it belongs to him and he can look down his nose at everybody else. So he can look down his nose at me! So he can tell everybody he’s better than me, so he can brag about beating me, but he didn’t beat me. He didn’t fucking beat me! What, he’s proud of that? He’s proud of the fact that his wife had to hit me in the back? That’s what Jake Starr is proud of? Of course that’s what Jake Starr is proud of. That fucking douche-bag is proud of being the champion despite the fact that the only reason he’s the champion – THE ONLY REASON HE’S THE CHAMPION – is what he did to the board. He didn’t earn it. He doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t even APPRECIATE it. It’s nothing to him. But it’s everything to me.”

“And they’re all like ‘you’ll win it next time Zoe’ and ‘you’ve got the trios contract Zoe’ and... fuck them. Jake didn’t beat me. He didn’t. He stole it from me. And I don’t want to hear ‘you’ll win it next time’ because will I? I couldn’t win it in December. I couldn’t beat Thirteen. I wanted to. I wanted to so badly. I hear them all asking why I booked that match, whether it was all some plan, but it wasn’t. I didn’t book it for a plan. I booked it because I wanted to beat him. I wanted to beat him at Under Attack. I should have beaten him at Under Attack, but Shilo stole it from me then. He stole it from me, and he stole the title from me, and nothing ever happened. Why? Because he’s Shilo Valiant? Because he’s a bigger star than me? Because he makes more money than me? That’s not fair. But then it’s never fair. It’s never right. He’s protected by them when he shouldn’t be. And so is Jake. Jake shouldn’t be champion but he is. He was never punished for what he did to me before. He took a steel chair and he hit me in the back of the head and HE stole a moment from me, against Lucas, but he was never punished for that. And it wasn’t just that he hit me. It wasn’t just that. It was that he could. They didn’t do anything to help me. None of them did anything to help me. I won the tournament. I beat everyone. I beat Katie. I beat Lucas. I beat David. I beat KATIE! They have no idea how much that meant to me. She was my idol, she was everything I wanted to be and I beat her and they acted like it didn’t even happen. Like it didn’t even matter. And then they just let it happen. They let their stars hurt me. They let their stars steal from me. They treat me like I’m nothing. They act like nothing that happens to me matters. ‘Oh, Zoe got attacked? So what, eh? Oh, Zoe got hit in the back of the head. That was super funny, eh. Shilo stole her title from her? Oh it should be his anyway, eh.’ It’s like they don’t even notice me. It’s like I’m nothing to them. But Jake is. He’s their star. Maybe that’s why they’ve all gone...”

She goes completely quiet then, just sitting there rubbing her temples for about thirty seconds, not saying a word. When she finally speaks again the anger is gone from her voice, and replaced by almost a cold chill. “They didn’t just beat me. Thirteen didn’t just beat me. It’s like I lost a part of my soul that night. I lost a part of my soul and I want to get it back. But I didn’t give up. I didn’t give up no matter what. He had me locked up. I felt the world going dark. I couldn’t breathe. But I didn’t give up. I didn’t give up. I wouldn’t... he took a piece of me, and Jake took another piece when his wife... and they didn’t do anything. They just let it happen. Am I not good enough? Is that what it is? Can they just throw me away? Can they just use me up and throw me away? Is that what I am to them? Am I just a cheap fuck? Am I just a one night stand? Do they want me to just give up and walk away? Do they want me to just go quietly? No. I won’t do that. I’m worth more than that. I’ve made up my mind what I’m going to do. I wasn’t sure on Saturday. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to do it, but I do. I can’t rely on the board to help me. I can’t rely on my friends to help me. And he’ll do anything to keep it. He’ll do anything to keep his fat, ugly little fingers on it. But I know what I’m going to do. They invited me to Toronto this weekend. They invited me to go and talk about the Trios Contract and what I intend to do. I guess they want to know as well. Well I’ll tell them. Because I’m not going to walk away. I’m not going to give up. They don’t want to protect me? That’s fine, I don’t need their protection. But they think he’s their star? They think he’s their shining beacon of light? They want a guy like that as their champion? He doesn’t deserve it. So I guess I’m going to Toronto on Saturday.”

She pauses again before almost smiling. “I keep thinking about all of them, and how they act like it doesn’t bother them, and how they act like they don’t feel the pain, and how they act like they’re not beaten up, and maybe that’s it. Maybe they’re all as fake as Syren is. Maybe underneath they’re all just as fucked up as I am. Maybe Jake really believes his own hype, or maybe he’s just fake as well. But in the end it doesn’t matter. I said it wasn’t worth it. I said it wasn’t worth their judgement. I said it wasn’t worth the things they say. But it is. They talk down to me every single day. They always will. I’ll never be good enough for all of them. I’ll never be good enough to win their approval. But I don’t need to be. I don’t need their approval. I just need their belt. It’s like they took this piece of me and I’m going to get it back and I’m going to be complete and I’m going to be happy and then nobody is ever going to take that away from me. They can take the belt. They can take the championship. They can call themselves champion. But they can’t take that piece from me again. I’m going to win it back or I’m going to die trying, because I’m not going to give up, I’m not going to walk away, I’m not going to lay back and let them throw me away like I don’t matter. God it was so easy three years ago... but it’ll all be worth it. All the chairshots from behind. All the attacks from behind. All the people hating me. All the doubt. All the board screwing me over. It’ll all be worth it. I said it wasn’t worth it but it is.  So I’m going to go to Toronto and I’m going to get my rematch and I’m going to win because I know I can. I know I can.”

Zoe picks up the camera and laughs. “She was so right, this did help a lot.” And with that the video ends.